I’ve been in a great need to vent about a certain someone in my life and writing in my journal just doesn’t seem to cut it. They’ve been adding necessary stress to my life and I’m hoping that with this post, most of it will fall off my shoulders and that I could deal with it better. If you don’t like this kind of post, I recommend you please look away and do something’s that more worthy of your time. This is mostly to free myself.
Cupcake (named so for the sake of anonymity) has always been a negative person from the start. Complaining but never pulling off any action to change it. One of our big fallbacks was because of this, because she couldn’t read the mood and would constantly bring us down. No matter how happy we were, she always had to remind us that the food was better elsewhere, or the teachers didn’t really care, or that her mother was better, blah blah blah. She tried to change herself, and it worked for a while. But she got into the habit of talking behind one of my friend’s back “I want to change them for the better! They should be like this instead of [I don’t really remember but yeah]!” This dear friend of mine, Pug (called so because she loves pugs), was a very straightforward and a no shits given person. If she hurt you, she didn’t care, so long as she was being truthful. She specifically hated lies and back talk. She had a feeling something was up with Cupcake, so she asked me what she was so excited about lately. I told Pug what Cupcake’s been saying and hopefully been trying to do with her. Pug got really offended and confronted Cupcake. Cupcake didn’t answer and ran off. She avoided us for a few weeks before she literally disappeared–she had changed schools to run away from our affair (later she told me that she had actually done it because her mom, a teacher there, could help her with the school work, but I call bull).
(One time, when Cupcake, Pug, and I were all at my house, Cupcake got upset with the amount of snacks that I was eating (I was upset about something) and Pug came to my defense. We went downstairs afterwards, to my room, but Cupcake decided to stay in the living room instead, ignoring us. Halfway in the evening, we saw that she had left the house and went back home. But, she left the door wide open. We had an indoor cat. If my brother hadn’t kept the cat in his room accidentally, we would’ve lost her. My family’s cat. Cupcake was so upset she didn’t care if she risked loosing our cat. I find it ironic how a year ago, she lost her own cat. I like to think that fate played it’s part.)
In university, we applied for the same program so we saw each other a decent amount. I acted like nothing happened and would treat her like a normal friend: occasional chatter to and from class but that’s it. It was still awkward, because Pug had left elsewhere to focus on her studies so I had no idea how to react about that event. It had nothing to do with me, so I had no idea where our friendship was.
It slowly grew back and we warmed back up with each other. It was in the midst of a sleepover in the summer of our studies that I had introduced her to MMORPGs. She was simply the type to read books and watch anime and paint in her spare time. But as soon as I introduced her to Aura Kingdom (very good game, I highly recommend) she was addicted. She played it all the time and even brought her laptop to school to play around classes. I had no problems with it–she was having fun and making friends and we had another thing to talk about. But then I started to realize the she was getting more and more aesthetic items and lying about it when I asked–“Oh, that looks good! How’d you get them?” She would answer with: “Oh, you get them at level 60” or “there’s a quest for them!” Something felt off, but I left it slide. A few weeks later, when I flew past those levels, I flashbacked and realized she had lied. She had a tendency to forget the things she said though (or claim she did), so there was no point bringing it up. Eventually, I learned that she was seducing boys to get her things because “she was easy”. This was explained to me by my close friend Plume: “easy is the type of girl that’s flirty and not so good at the game so boys can easily impress and win over, even if it means giving items. She’s easy because she gives her attention, affection, compliments, etc. as soon as they do something she likes” (because it’s kinda difficult to physically have sex with others over a game on the internet). (Plume worded it beautifully but I don’t exactly remember because it was two years back, so this is an approximation of what she said.)
I found myself obviously envious–I worked for months trying to get gold to buy one item and she would get them for free by the truckload. It was disheartening, but I eventually got over it with the fun I was having with the guild I was in. She noticed and decided to create a new character to join the guild I was in. I didn’t mind–my guild was fun and awesome! However, as soon as she got in, she spammed chat and irritated the other members. Luckily for them, she was almost never on that character (and then got upset when she didn’t get to participate in the stuff we were doing). She was too busy on her main character seducing more boys and getting a new boyfriend every week. The more she did this, the more some started to hate on her and cause drama–which she would then relay to me. I stuck to my usual advise of “if what they’re saying isn’t true, then ignore them and do what you want; blah blah blah”. It was getting repetitive.
And then I got a boyfriend. And she grew bitter about it.
I understood why some of my friends started to get irritated with me, because I would spend a lot more time with him than them. I agree that that was indeed happening and I didn’t have the whole “managing relationships” thing down. Some were understanding. Cupcake… well… “You should put effort into our relationship and invite me to do things!” even though she wasn’t doing that either. We made plans for her birthday: we were going to another city to shop and go to the pool (the date was two-three weeks before her actual birthday). It was fine with me at first, but then I realized that, in the game that we both played, that weekend was crucial for me to attend their cyberevents. I asked her many times if we could re-arrange the dates for the next week after. I thought she’d understand because we were both at a similar obsession with the game (her socially, me for dungeons/guild events) but she refused to comply. I let it slide, it was her birthday event afterall and so she was allowed to call the shots. However, when the time came, my mind was completely distracted with the game: what’s going on? Is my team okay? Would they play better if I were there? Do they need my help? Wolf (my boyfriend, because he loves wolves and huskies) was telling me how it would be better if I were there. I got upset and snapped that I should’ve never gone to her birthday event. She snapped that I wasn’t her friend. I snapped that she’s so obsessed with the game that she doesn’t try to make any other friends (and she’s had multiple opportunities through me). She snaps that they’re my friends, not hers so she doesn’t have to befriend them. The fight ended with me in tears and her dismissing my apologies. The next day it calmed down and we were able to go shopping with a somewhat happy mood. But that fight (our first real fight) was one that scarred me. It was at that mark that I grew scared of her.
For the next few weeks, she would repeat the same sentence as before: “You should invite me to places so we can do things! I planned my birthday event so you should put in some effort too! Friends would put effort!” or around those lines. I wasn’t the plan maker in my group of friends, and she was an outlier that rarely showed up (and no one but me knew how to contact), so she was often left out. Because of this, I don’t like inviting people that the plan maker (this role changes a lot) may hate (because it’s happened before) so I don’t invite anyone. I wait to be invited, hear who’s invited/coming, and live with it. Once, I was invited to a movie. Cupcake had classes so I didn’t bother mentioning it to her. Later, another friend in the group found her leaving her class and invited her along to the movie. While I had no problem with it (I actually felt really relieved that she came, especially after our odd bouts across skype), she later asked me a few times “So why didn’t you invite me?” I told her my reasoning, that I don’t feel right inviting someone out of turn, but I could tell by her attitude that she wasn’t convinced. She told me I should’ve asked permission and made more effort to invite her. She was guilting me, I knew it, and it was working.
Things are fuzzy after that, but I reached the point where I stopped playing the game. I got to level 71, where everything was grinding dungeons and no longer really fun. I tried making new characters but didn’t find it as good as it should have been. Cupcake stayed in the game for the social aspect, which I admit was pretty striving–the PVP areas were full of people who loved to socialize! (Too bad that wasn’t my scene, even online.) Our friendship stayed the same, still iffy but kinda there. I noticed that a few months after the movie, she deleted me from her skype. I took that as a sign that she was once again upset that I wasn’t “putting effort” into our relationship (she admitted later that this was indeed the case).
I’ll fastforward to this year, with the stuff I mostly recently remember. Under her two disabilities of Dyslexia and ADHD, she’s allowed to ask for notetaker in class. Because I was her friend (and I had a class with her), the teacher asked me specifically to do it, but since the teacher basically gave us the notes, she said I only needed to model how I organized my notes in class. I said yes, because this seemed like an easy pass on my CV (I was allowed to put it on so it seemed like a grand idea). The first few months, it was fine–I showed Cupcake the order of my notes and she copied me and it was pretty fun. She mimicked it in class so she simply had to put them in her binder later at home. Then she stopped trying. She stopped listening in class. She stopped organizing the notes. She stopped caring about the subject matter. She’d ask me every 5 minutes for the time and she tell me how much she wished the class would end and that she’d be home. This happened for weeks. I had to grab her notes in class and organize them for her like her little puppet, else I was afraid she was going to say I wasn’t doing my job properly to the teacher. I put up with it. She stopped complaining and started paying attention again because homework and class content was getting increasingly important as the end of the semester arrived. I noticed that she would get really upset when I got a grade better than hers, so I avoided looking at them and instead shoved them in my bag. I felt like I was only allowed to be happy about my grades at home, because my parents felt like the only encouraging ones, as they only cared for me and not who I was besting. I hated comparing my notes to Cupcake–she wasn’t able to keep her name on the dean’s list this year, to get a scholarship so she didn’t have to pay (like I have to but wish I didn’t)–so she takes grades super seriously and throws a fit when she can’t raise her GPA up again. While I understand this is her personal business and I have no say, I feel like it’s not such a big deal when I simply get one grade better than her, especially since she stopped caring about classes. It’s because of these fits of hers that I’m scared to even boast my surprisingly good grades to Wolf or Plume (who are way more understanding and supportive than her).
And yes, during the semester, I invited her to events, because I decided plan some this time (and I was very organized with it–I reserved restaurants weeks ahead and had meeting points thought out and everything–I was very on point). She never complained on that front ever again. However, when it’s someone else’s plans, she won’t make the effort to socialize and will constantly ask me when it’s time to leave. I understand if she doesn’t like what’s going on, but her constant nagging ruins what fun I’m having. When I told this to Wolf, because I got really upset when she did this at our friend’s birthday party, he said plainly: “She needs to stop being a baby and suck it up. If she doesn’t like it then she should just leave.” I secretly agreed with him, but found myself defending her. Thinking back, I shouldn’t have, because I honestly don’t think she’d do the same if we’d have swapped places.
Christmas time, I had a really important talk with my aunt and uncle. I was staying at their place for a few nights while I visited family. They loved having me over and I loved visiting them so it was great. During one of the nights, we had a really deep talk. My aunt has depression from her job and shitty working conditions (and more), so that made her and her husband so much more wiser. We got into deep stuff–she talked about her experiences, I asked questions and tried to relate and tried to help. At one point, I told them that I was really introverted at time. “Do you know why sometimes you get drained so fast?” I shook my head no but tried. “We react more/easier to stimulus?” (this was what someone in psychology had told me, I believe). “Because some people are energy stealers. They steal all of yours and make you drained.” Although I didn’t quite believe it (I like to think of everyone the same and not stealers), my mind immediately thought of Cupcake. Every time she came over (which was every week), I could only spend a few hours with her before I felt exhausted. With Wolf or Plume, I felt rejuvenated and like I could waste the whole day with them. With Cupcake, I was on nails. We only watched what she wanted to watch, she dismissed my ideas, she doesn’t like it when I play video games with her there (she may not admit this one but I can tell when she’s not happy), she only wanted to do her type of things. I even tried playing Life is Strange, a video game that was practically a movie, with her and she went “there’s too much talking, I want more action!” I understand that we may not have the same interests, but she has this need to constantly dominate. It’s easy to tell too: “How about this movie?” “Hmmm no. I want something more…. [romance, cartoon, disney, etc.] Keep looking.” Anything I wanted to do wasn’t important.
I invited her over to a New Years party, which was supposed to be family + lovers only (my aunt was very excited to show off her boyfriend). Earlier, Cupcake told us that her family didn’t do anything for New Years so we took pity on her and invited her along. The day itself, she disappeared to one of the bedrooms, where my brother’s cat was locked in (because they didn’t get along with our cat) and she stayed there for the whole evening until supper time. I liked hanging out with Wolf and having little moments with him, but I was too worried about Cupcake and making sure she had a good time (because I was technically her host for the evening) that I dragged us into the room and we all spent the time there until supper (Wolf didn’t really care). After supper and a surprisingly long game of cards, UNO (because my dad and aunt kept trying to cheat), we escaped back to the living room. This time there was more people so Cupcake was sitting on the floor (the boys were watching on the other TV). After a few minutes of watching TV (which I found had pretty amusing jokes) she left to go back to my brother’s cat and cuddle it (and you could tell by their face that they didn’t like being held but Cupcake wasn’t letting go–she’s a very cat-affectionate person). My brother joined her in the room, because it was his cat and he has to supervise (which I felt bad for because maybe he would’ve wanted to do something else). This time I decided to let them be. I wasn’t going to drag us again in there because she didn’t want to watch television with us. They stayed in there until it was time to go to bed. Until the very last second (where Wolf had to drag me by my feet away from the TV to get changed because I was being stubborn and childish). This isn’t as bad. I apologized to her in case she found it boring but she said it was fine.
The next day, we slept in and were pretty much very lazy. After spending most of the morning hogging the TV, my brother claimed it for hockey. This was fine with me, I was colouring, Wolf was on runescape, and Cupcake pulled out her laptop. After a few more hours, Cupcake asked me to watch a movie in my room. I complied because I liked the movie she wanted to watch. I didn’t have it though, so we had to search it up online. However, since it’s a very revered and popular film, there was essentially no good version of it anywhere. The only version we could watch had horrible sound (I’m hard of hearing so sound quality is very important to me!) and the colours were so distorted that 3/4 of the screen was black. Clearly we wouldn’t be able to watch it. I asked her if there was another movie instead. “Nah, I think I’ll just go home. What were you planning to do?” I told her that if we weren’t going to watch a movie, I’d go back in the living room with my brother and Wolf (hockey was funny to watch–someone always got injured in some surprising way). “Okay, I’ll just go home.” She packed up quickly and left. I saw her out and apologized again if it was boring for her. That was when I realized that she had tested me. With asking what I wanted to do next–she had actually asked “who were you going to hang out with?” and I chose Wolf and my brother instead of her so she left. I’m hoping that I’m overthinking it.
The new semester is here and I’m relieved that we’re not in the same classes. I see her at our group’s hangout spot now, because she’s gotten used to me going there. She does the same as usual and pulls out her laptop and ignores everyone else. She would cut into conversations I’d have with other people to tell me random things. I put up with it because it’s probably the only time she’ll say anything, even if what she’s doing is incredibly rude to the person I was talking to. The only topic she seems to always want to bring up is her internet romances and drama. I listen along because it’s important to her and she needs the advice.
We had a sleepover the passing weekend. This was when I got really upset and decided to write this entry. I slept over to her house and then the next morning we were driving to the next city for some shopping. While the night before, their family got along really well and sweet and it was a superb time, the morning was just hectic. Her dad didn’t want to drive us so she kept saying things like “he’s always PMSing like this in the mornings!” and “Call down dad, gosh.” even though he was talking at normal volume and was actually not freaking out (and I know because I’ve seen all of them when they actually freak out). Her mom, who’s sick and not allowed to leave the house, asked us to get something for her (and from what I assumed, would pay us–well Cupcake technically because she’s her daughter so she’s supposed to buy). Cupcake made unpleasant noises and “detached herself” (looked away and ignored her mom). I memorized the information and agreed because sure, if my mom had asked that, I’d do it for her. My mom spoils me so I would be fine shopping for her (so long as I got size details, which technically we did). Cupcake threw a fit when her mom asked for yet another thing. Her mom reacted pretty well to it: “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll go for it myself. Don’t worry about it.” Before, like a few years ago, she would have told Cupcake off (because, you know, she’s sick and can’t actually shop for herself right now) but now it’s different. Their whole family is very different. Her dad is super lonely. Her mom is bed ridden. Their family dog has hip pains so is also bedridden. Cupcake locks herself in her room and throws tantrums when her parents ask her to do anything (even just pulling out the dishes from the dishwasher). When we were at the stores, I told Cupcake in the car that we should buy her mom the bra she wanted and that we’d get paid back. She objected but then seemed to understand. At the store, I reminded her again, and she looked away with a “No! That’ll be 100$ right there!” (the bras were on sale for 16$ so that was a big fat lie) and went on to look for herself. I didn’t even have the gall to argue with her to do it. Cupcake could easily just leave me stranded in this city–she was my way home so I had no choice to get along with her wishes, unless I’ll be stuck waiting forever for my parents to come get me and I really do not want that burden on them. I’m not going to make my parents suffer because Cupcake’s still acting like a selfish child.
At the mall, I was on a mission to buy a gift for my dad, and her to get a new bra. Suddenly, she wants to go see a movie. I tell her that there’s nothing I want to see nor looks good. She pulls up one that I haven’t seen the trailer to and it looks very much like her type of movie, but not mine. “I don’t know.” I told her. I needed to shop for my dad and watching a movie was definitely way off track. She didn’t even seem to care about buying her bras anymore. She was so focused on watching something and eating popcorn. “I bet if it were Wolf and them inviting you, you would totally be all for it.” I was shocked at this. I wanted to answer with: “they wouldn’t even watch that kind of movie in the first place” but she was using general terms as in any movie. I also wanted to answer with “they’re more fun than you”, but, again, she could totally ditch me here in this town. I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. I deflected the conversation when she brought it up, turning it back to the fact that I had to worry about my dad’s birthday (that was the next day!! This was the only time to shop for him!!) but it didn’t seem to sink in until we finally hit the mall and I listed all the dad-esque shops I wanted to check.
Last week, I was planning skating events. I love skating and doing it on a weekly basis would make me increasingly happy. Cupcake was on board as soon as I brought it up–heck, even beat me to the punch. “We should skate Friday!” She said and I nodded. But I also wanted to skate with Wolf, so I asked her if he could also go Friday (unless she’d feel too much like a third wheel). I wanted her to be truthful with me. Instead, she looked down and played with her food. “I’ll just skate in circles.” Another manipulative guilt tactic. Clearly I wasn’t allowed to do anything with just the three of us anymore. It made me frustrated because Friday was the only day that was good for all of us. I dropped one of my classes partially with this reason in mind and it hurt me to do it.
I remember when I tried to tell my aunt one of the reasons I wanted to be a teacher. “When I was in math class, Cupcake didn’t understand what the teacher was saying so I had to teach it to her–”
“That’s not your job.” My aunt had said. She was also a teacher so her input was very important to me. “You shouldn’t have to do that for her. She wants to be a teacher too, right? She needs to learn to be dependent and do things on her own, not have you do everything for her when she doesn’t understand. That’s not right.” I told her how she needed a note taker and how I had to organise her notes. “She shouldn’t be allowed to do that. Teachers write ALL the time. Reports, papers, assignments, tests, lesson plans, you name it! She can’t just not write–she won’t be an efficient teacher. She needs the practice of writing for herself.”
While I want to believe that all of my misfortune is her fault and that she should fix herself. I’m wondering if this is also partially my fault. I could have conditioned her that way. Starting with me helping her in math class, along with her mother helping her with all of her homework, and up to now. She’s been taught that she can just about run to anyone and they’ll help her and give her what she wants. There’s no real effort, because I’m there and I love helping others, and her mom’s there because she wants to see her succeed (she didn’t even freak out that much when Cupcake’s GPA lowered and her paid scholarship was gone!), and the boys over the internet will do what she wants if she pushes enough. She’s been taught by all of us that she can get and do what she wants because no one will argue with her, no one will tell her differently. If we do, she throws a tantrum and makes us feel guilty, and bam, she wins.
I think from this point on, I need to learn to say no to her, to learn to go against her tactics. She has been threatening me with the “if you don’t [do what I want you to do], we’re no longer friends!” card, even if she hasn’t done it as much, but it’s still inherently there with everything we’ve done together, and it’s stressing me very much. She always has the upper hand in some way she may or may not realize (she’s my drive, I’m at her place, it’s her birthday, teacher told me to, etc.) and needs to dominate even more in some other way (get my attention, have me do things for her, not let me hang out with others too, etc.) She’s so constant and controlling in my life that I can’t even focus on reading my books for class–I’m that wrapped around her little finger like a puppet. I’m dreading skating with her on Fridays, because then she’ll want to come over and I no longer have fun hanging out with her. I’m scared to invite her to anything or else she’ll behave like she did at my friend’s birthday party. She doesn’t think of others and the fact that I have to accommodate my very being to fit her needs is what drains me so much. To her, it seems like only she’s allowed to be happy. And we all suffer for it.
(Rant is over. I applaud you if you read this far! Have a cookie if you’d like, I have plenty~)