Assassin’s Creed 2 (2009)

You return as Desmond Miles. Lucy, of course, is here too and is urging you to hurry up and get in the Animus. You don’t know what’s going on but you might as well do as she says because Lucy suddenly looks like she was redesigned in order to activate a lot more male boners. Hot darn!

Memory Sequence Zero

Lucy syncs your experience with a new past memory–Ezio’s. Only. You’ve gone so far back that you experience his birth. That’s right. Cry cry motherfucker. You are literally a baby.

Woops not anymore. Lucy hauls you out, takes the file she needed from the Animus by doing that sync, and then you two escape together. You guys fight and ninja your way out of Abstergo. Along the way, you see plenty other Animus around. Are other people also facing the same situation as you? She brings you to a secret base with other assassins where she plans to teach you how to become one of them. You meet Shaun, a loveable shithead who’s the brain behind the operation, and Rebecca, who’s the mechanic or engineer that created the new Animus you’re using called “Baby”. You use it to try to find the Pieces of Eden before Abstergo does.

Memory Sequence One

Welcome Ezio! You’re having a good time–fighting enemies, taking names, sleeping with the ladies, being an errand boy, beating up your sister’s asshole boyfriend–when your father is taken to jail. He tells you to go give a letter describing he was framed to his closest friend to get him free. But alas! Said friend is actually a betraying asshole! He successfully hangs your father and two brothers.

Memory Sequence Two

They spot you and try to get you next but you run like a lil bitch because they have gold plated giant monster guards and you can’t take them on at your level. You get your hidden blade fixed and can go after him for realsies this time though. You sneak past his guards and do the killing of that betraying asshole so good that the guards question their own skill. You’re wanted now so you escape to your uncle Mario and his villa, bringing the rest of your family with you.

Memory Sequence Three

Snooty tooty Vieri appears to kill you. You, obviously, are the best ninja ever and take his men down (and he runs away like a baby). Oh yeah, and your uncle Mario appears with a classic Super Mario joke. He also reveals that you come from a family of assassins and that Vieri and his troops are Templars that have been harassing you guys. You join your uncle’s squad and take down Vieri. Who knows: if that guy weren’t such a dick, you might’ve been friends! With friendship bracelets and everything! But, you know, him being a dick to your family kinda has a way to make you wanna kill a guy. Yep. You return to the villa and Mario confides that Vieri was working for other men. So you decide to take them all down. For your father! Viva la revolution!

Memory Sequence Four

You go after this guy called “the Fox” because he’s got the intel you need. He’s like the cool creepy cousin you’d like to have forever but also not really because wtf get away from me.  You are after Vieri’s dad, Francesco. Fox man tells you about the Templar meeting (where that Francesco man will be attending) and leaves you to eavesdrop it. From that meeting, you hear that your target is going to attack the Medici family in front of everyone. You go save Lorenzo, who turns out to be a friend of your father’s, and then kill Francesco.

Memory Sequence Five

Jacopo is next on your list. You get clues to his location and listen in on his meeting with the big boss, Rodrigo. Unfortunately, Rodrigo, knowing his bro was targeted, went LOL and killed stealed him from you. He then saw your upsetty spaghetti face from behind a pole and tried to kill you too, but, of course, you’re the best and wrecked his squad. Unfortunately, he himself was able to safely escape.

Memory Sequence Six

You head off to Venice while helping your buddy, Leonardo da Vinci, who was stuck because his cart was broken. It’s carrying a flying machine! He can’t drive though because he’s weird like that so you help him out, but guess what, Rodrigo decides it’s time to fuck you up again. Too bad you’re awesome and they’re all dead! At Forli, you head off in a ship to Venice.

You’re out of the Animus for a break. They warn you that with too much exposure you can get symptoms and practically become your ancestors without using the Animus! It’d be super totally awesome if it didn’t totally drive people completely bonkers though. You bond with the other members and then go practice your skills with Lucy to become a pro assassin yourself. After your training, you get so caught up in your hallucinations that you re-become Altaïr to chase down a random Templar woman who turns out to be your secret lover. She is also with child though, so you can also follow it around. You wake the fuck up to Shaun being a dick because he’s excited to get back to work. You go back into the Animus for more.

Memory Sequence Seven

Welcome to Venice! Praise the sun! You help out a thief-guild women back to her old pal Antonio. They already know about you and your mission though, and the whole thief squad is here to help out. You all gang up on Emilio and take the bitch down! Woo!

Memory Sequence Eight

Now onto Carlo. The Templars are planning to kill the current Doge so that Carlo takes his place and controls the fleet. But they’re also rushing because they know you’re around. Such foolishness! Carlo kills the Doge and blames it on you, but you get Carlo right after so it’s still your win.

Memory Sequence Nine

Turns out they’re still going with same old plan of putting a Templar in at the Doge position. This time with an asshole called Marco that tried to kill his bestfriend out of jealousy one time. There’s a festival going on where he’s going to make an appearance for the party. Biggest mistake ever! You sneak in and assassinate Marco (you also made a fool out of Dante, the bff, poor guy).

Memory Sequence Ten

The new Doge is a good guy but can’t help you because he wasn’t been voted in just yet. Silvio’s taking the opportunity to bring forth an army while it can’t be refused. Bartolomeo can help you build an army yourself though, so you go save his life so that he helps you. Your armies fight it out (honestly you did all the work) and you manage to kill Silvio and Dante in the same faceoff.

Memory Sequence Eleven

It’s your birthday! Too bad you’re too busy brooding like a lil bitch. You spot a large vessel arrive and your uncle Mario with it. Turns out Rodrigo’s here and he’s waiting for a super secret shipment! You go intercept the shipment and meet with Rodrigo. You fight him and your assassin squad joins you. Rodrigo flees and leaves his package behind. Your squad tells you you’re The Prophet that Rodrigo wishes he were. (This is because Ezio-you is the one that passes information to Desmond-you (because Desmond-you’s in the Animus living as Ezio-you)).

The assassins take you away to hold the magical ceremony so that you’re one of them. Thankfully, Altaïr altered it so you don’t have to chop off your finger, because this was how the Templars learned to identify assassins. Instead, you get your finger branded with a burn that looks like a ring.

You got the Apple of Eden from the package.

You get out of the Animus. They’re worried about you but you want to continue. They put you back in, but a little forward in time since Abstergo is soon to be on you guys and you need to hurry. Shaun updates you on the changes: turns out Rodrigo becomes the Pope.

Memory Sequence Twelve


Memory Sequence Thirteen

are DLC.

Memory Sequence Fourteen

You meet up with the other assassins and discover that The Apple shows the world map on The Codex pages. It shows The Vault is in Rome–that’s why Rodrigo became Pope! To open The Vault though, you need both The Apple and The Staff, and you have a feeling the bastard’s already found the second one.

Oh. You also have facial hair.

You sneak into Rodrigo’s fancy Rome palace to kill him. He uses The Staff against you! You use The Apple against him! He manages to take it from you and kill you! Oh no! He leaves you to die so that he can go open The Vault. Thankfully, that’s when you miraculously heal up and go after him again. He believes that he’s The Prophet that is the only one allowed to open it. Too bad that’s you and not him! You don’t kill him, but with you there, The Vault opens.

A figure appears. She is one of those that came before and created the Pieces of Eden. She speaks to Desmond-you rather than Ezio-you. The humans betrayed them to use the pieces for war. So in retaliation they recreated civilization. But now they are all dead. In order to save the world from war, you must find the temples. But the world is also going to get destroyed by the sun. Is that what’s with the temples? It’ll help reset the world back to what it was? Before it was unstable and before everyone wanted war? Who knows!


You’re out of the Animus. You have ten minutes to escape before Abstergo arrives. Go go go!

Warren appears to take you back but you fight him off. He flees and you guys escape to a new hiding place.

Side note

The twenty glyphs come together to show a short video of Adam and Eve stealing an Apple of Eden and escaping.


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